Dear Amy: Unfortunately, I was alienated from my family after my mother’s death.
My dad decided to start dating my brother’s mother-in-law (his wife’s mother), which my mother hated.
Everything fell apart after that.
My dad turned 60 this year and I will soon be 33. It has been about five years since I have seen or heard anything from him.
When the pandemic started, I texted him to check in and make sure he was ok and did not receive anything back.
I’m honestly worried that something’s going on with him before we can at least talk. It would ruin me if anything happened to him.
I certainly enjoy my life better when they are not around, and yet I worry and miss them.
I know my brother and sister-in-law still hate me (no surprise there), but I am honestly so confused and hurt about why my dad has not even tried to contact me.
Should I try again?
Stranger daughter
Dear daughter: Submitting a text at the beginning of a global pandemic does not qualify as an effort to heal a seat that you seem to have started.
Losing your mother at a relatively young age must have been really devastating to you. It was definitely deeply disturbing to witness your father in a new relationship with someone you claim your mother did not like.
However, this is your burden to bear. Your father has the right to find a new partner. It is not your brother or his wife’s fault or responsibility that your father brought up with this woman.
If you want to talk to your father, call him. If he does not catch up, leave a warmly worded message and ask him to call you back. If he does not call back, call another time.
State your desire to be in touch and leave the door open for a reconciliation.
Dear Amy: I was in an exclusive monogamous relationship with a man for eight months, and unfortunately I kept catching him using dating apps, even after I drew a hard line about it.
He also lied to me about drug abuse (he was in AA for years but kept falling off the wagon). He told me he was a social drinker and just took a break from alcohol for health and fitness reasons.
He would get dark and fall out of communication and then bow to me when I would ask him why.
So finally, after a week where he was particularly ruthless and insensitive, I broke off our relationship.
I did so with honor and said goodbye to his friends and family and did not speak an unkind word about him to anyone.
Now he wants to go in for couple counseling, even though when I was with him, he refused to listen to me about even the simplest thing, like deleting his dating apps.
I do not know why he will go to counseling now that he has completely rejected me.
I do not even know how I feel about this anymore.
Part of me still loves him, but part of me does not trust the relationship (or our “situation”) as he kept a completely separate list of rules for himself than he did for me.
I really want your opinion on this.
Curious
Dear curious: I agree with you that deletion should happen. You have to delete and what you have to lose is him.
Based on what you say about this person, you clearly do not like, trust or respect him.
You were fine with how you ended things, but if you allowed him to retire, you would not even have it.
Counseling is a good idea, especially for him. If he wants to go into therapy to find out how and why he sabotaged the relationship with you, let him do it and maybe at some point in the future, he will be inspired to try to prove to you that he has changed sig. I hope you have moved on by then.
Dear Amy: I am a regular reader and wonder if you have ever – even once – admitted that you were wrong about something?
When people criticize you, you only double and defend your position.
Sick and tired
Dear sick: I admit when I make mistakes and I am happy to let readers correct me.
However, I will not claim a mistake just because someone disagrees with me.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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