Cousin Eddie’s 15 Funniest Quotes From Christmas Vacation

The holiday season wouldn’t be complete without an annual viewing of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and spending some holiday time with the Griswolds. The madcap shenanigans that define the seasonal favorite can often make viewers feel merrier about their own Christmas mishaps, especially if they have their own Cousin Eddie in their lives.

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Randy Quaid’s raucous redneck character has become an unlikely but beloved bastion of cheer at a time of the year when the true meaning of the holidays can be overshadowed by avarice and spite. Whether he’s emptying a chemical toilet in the middle of the street or regaling his family with stories about the metal plate in his head, his quotes are guaranteed to make the holidays merry and bright.

Updated on October 1st, 2021 by Kayleena Pierce-Bohen: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation remains one of the most beloved holiday movies of all time, but the best part about Cousin Eddie quotes is they’re applicable all year round, so there’s always room for a few more. Nothing quite says Christmas is here like Randy Quaid pulling up in his RV and asking for the neck on the roast turkey.

“Yep, That There Is An RV. I Borrowed It Off A Buddy Of Mine. He Took My House, I Took The RV. It’s A Good-Looking Vehicle, Ain’t It?”

Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) talking to Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) by the tree in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

When Cousin Eddie and his brood come to stay at the Griswold’s for Christmas, they bring their RV, which gives Eddie and Catherine some alone time while the kids stay in the house. When Clark asks what sort of monstrosity Eddie’s parked outside his house, Eddie cheerfully gives him an explanation as though he’s never seen an RV before.

Eddie doesn’t think twice about parking an eyesore in the middle of Clark’s affluent neighborhood, and the RV becomes–much like Eddie–something that Clark has to deal with. It’s a harbinger of change and forces Clark to come outside of his comfort zone.

“Clark, That’s The Gift That Keeps On Giving The Whole Year.”

Clark Griswold and Cousin Eddie smiling outside the house in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Everybody but Eddie is crestfallen when Clark doesn’t receive the holiday bonus he’d been relying on, who puts a spin on the news by declaring that a subscription to a jelly of the month club is a year-round treat that keeps the holiday spirit alive.

There’s not a lot of reasons most families would tolerate someone as loathsome and uncouth as Cousin Eddie, except that he’s perpetually upbeat, and because he doesn’t have a lot of material possessions, he appreciates even something as innocuous as a subscription to a jelly of the month club. In many ways, Cousin Eddie teaches Clark the true meaning of Christmas.

“You About Ready To Do Some Kissing?”

National Lampoon

Cousin Eddie doesn’t have a lot of money –or brains– so he decides to get Clark what he can as a token of his appreciation for the holiday hospitality. He kidnaps Clark’s boss, gags him, then presents him to Clark as a gift (complete with a big red bow on his chest) in one of the funniest scenes in any of the National Lampoon movies.

As insane as Cousin Eddie’s gift is, it’s also incredibly heartfelt, and even Clark realizes the depth of his affections. No one else would have been generous –and stupid– enough to pull off such a surprise, and it actually ends up being the catalyst for positive change in the Griswolds’ favor.

“This One Here, Is Leaking…It’s Lime!”

Cousi Eddie (Randy Quaid) making a ridiculous face in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Before the entire Griswold clan can finally sit down to their holiday feast and enjoy their incredibly dry turkey, Cousin Eddie already samples one of the promised delicacies unintentionally when it’s discovered that Aunt Bethany has wrapped up her jello mold (that’s later presented, trimmed in cat food).

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That Eddie will–without hesitating–sample what’s in the gift is comedy gold, but the fact that he licks the lime-flavored seepage off of Clark’s wife’s finger with gusto is what really sells the scene and makes it one of Cousin Eddie’s best quotes.

“Don’t Forget The Rubber Sheets And Gerbils.”

Cousin Eddie and Catherine about to get the rubber sheets and gerbils in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Clark understands that Cousin Eddie doesn’t want to take up room in the house in favor of his children not having to sleep in the RV, but one of the many things about Christmas Vacation that doesn’t make sense is the moment when Eddie loudly tells his wife to remember to bring the rubber sheets and the gerbils for part of their nightly routine.

In the movie, it’s heavily implied that the rubber sheets and gerbils will be used in some bizarre acts of intimacy, but their full purpose is left up to the audience’s imagination, which is perhaps why the quote sticks out so much in fans’ memories.

“Better Take A Rain Check On That, Art – He’s Got A Lip Fungus They Ain’t Identified Yet.”

christmas vacation rocky cousin eddie's son

It’s normal for children visiting relatives to guard their faces (for fear of excessive cheek pinching), but it’s not as common for adults needing to protect their faces from a transmissible disease, except in the case of Art and Cousin Eddie’s son, Rocky.

No sooner have the Johnsons descended on the Griswold family than all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles are expecting kisses from Rocky and Ruby Sue. Luckily Cousin Eddie is on hand to give fair warning about his boy’s worrisome condition.

“You Ain’t Never Seen A Set On A Dog Like This One’s Got, Clark.”

The Johnsons don’t travel anywhere without their beloved canine companion, Snot, who likes getting pet and drinking Christmas tree water. He also likes “going to town” on people’s legs according to Eddie, who suggests that if it happens to Clark, he should just let him finish.

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The conversation takes a colorful turn, as they often do with Cousin Eddie, to the topic of Snot’s genitals. It’s at this moment that Cousin Eddie declares that Clark’s probably never seen a dog with a set of testicles so large. Clark’s expression can be said to be equal parts unnerved and envious.

“And If it Wouldn’t Be Too Much, I’d Like To Get Something For You, Clark … Something Real Nice.”

Cousin Eddie telling Clark what he should get for Christmas in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

When Clark tries to get a somewhat reluctant Eddie to tell him what his children want for Christmas, Eddie is shocked but doesn’t hesitate to pull out a long list of things to give him (alphabetical, starting with “Catherine”). Being short on cash during the holiday season also means Eddie won’t be able to get anything for the rest of the family either.

After setting a large bag of dog food down on some lightbulbs that Clark just put in the shopping cart, Eddie leans forward and tells him he’d like to get him something “really nice.” Despite his cousin being oblivious, obnoxious, and irritating, his heart is in the right place, and in exchange for Clark’s acts of generosity, Cousin Eddie gets him a pretty spectacular gift for Christmas.

“If Only I Had That Money Catherine And I Gave To That TV Preacher Who Was Screwin’ That Hockey Player.”

Cousin Eddie shopping with Clark Griswold in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

The Griswolds suspect that Cousin Eddie doesn’t have enough money to give his kids a bountiful Christmas, and they pledge to help. His excuse for falling financially short during the holiday season? Giving his money to a televangelist in the midst of an adulterous affair.

When Clark asks what this means for the kids, Cousin Eddie responds, “His kids can fend for themselves,” completely missing the point. Not wanting to be a Grinch, Clark promises Eddie he’ll honor his Christmas list because he’s family.

“If That Thing Had Nine Lives, He Just Spent ‘Em All.”

The outline of the electrocuted cat in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

If it’s the thought that counts in gift-giving, then what is Aunt Bethany trying to communicate when she wraps her cat up for Christmas? Luckily the poor animal’s mews are heard in time, and it’s let out of its box just in time to terrorize the Johnsons’ dog.

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Eventually, it gets curious about the tree (as cats do) and begins to play with the ornaments, chew branches, and turn tinsel into glittering hairballs. Unfortunately, its festive fun is cut short as soon as it gets electrocuted by the lights as soon as Clark plugs in the Christmas tree, leaving a cat-shaped scorched hole in the middle of the carpet.

“She Falls Down A Well, Her Eyes Go Crossed. She Gets Kicked By A Mule. They Go Back. I Don’t Know.”

After Rocky’s infamous introduction, it’s time for Eddie and Catherine to present Ruby Sue to the family, who for years had been known for her crossed eyes. Even Aunt Francis can’t believe that her eyes seem to have been fixed all on their own.

Eddie explains that after she fell down a well and her eyes went crossed, she got kicked by a mule, and miraculously, they reverted back to normal. It’s the sort of dialogue that further highlights how uniquely uncouth Christmas Vacation is as a holiday movie.

“I Don’t Know If I Should Go Sailin’ Down No Hill With Nothing Between The Ground And My Brains But A Piece of Government Plastic.”

Cousin Eddie in the sledding scene from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

After the government plate in Cousin Eddie’s head kept responding negatively to Catherine’s use of the microwave, the VA had to replace the piece of metal with something plastic. As he warns Clark, it isn’t very strong, and might not withstand the effects of sledding down a steep hill and possibly crashing.

Cousin Eddie turns out to be the smartest person in the Christmas comedy when Clark takes the plunge and ends up nearly fatally injured in one of the most white-knuckle sledding excursions of his life.

“Save The Neck For Me, Clark.”

Cousin Eddie and Catherine at family dinner

Eddie has a lot of choice words to say about the grand holiday meal everyone shares, including pontificating about why something is named “hamburger helper” since it seems to do just fine “by itself.” When it comes to cutting the turkey, he has a very specific portion that he wants.

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The turkey has ended up looking like something out of Alien, but nevertheless, Eddie asks Clark if he’ll “save the neck” for him, something Clark has no problem doing.

“Every Time Catherine Revved Up The Microwave, I’d P*** My Pants And Forget About Who I Was For About Half An Hour Or So.”

Cousin Eddie and Catherine smilign coyly in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

When Cousin Eddie joins Clark and the rest of the Griswold kids for a fun evening of sledding, he declares that it might not benefit him to partake in the festivities, on account of the government plate in his head.

In one of the most memorable moments in the film, he regales the family with stories about his wife heating things up in the microwave and setting it off, causing him to wet himself and forget his own name. This happened enough times to warrant the need for a replacement. The plate runs right underneath Eddie’s part, and if it gets dented, his hair just “won’t look right.”

“Merry Christmas! S****** Was Full!”

The sight of Cousin Eddie emptying the waste tank of his RV on a brisk winter’s morning has become almost as synonymous with Christmas as Santa Claus himself. Clad in a grey robe, a dark green trapper hat, with a beer in hand and a cigar sticking out of his mouth, his outfit is as iconic as the red suit.

Clark watches in horror as Eddie is in full view of the neighborhood, including his neighbor Todd, who’s just about to go for a morning jog when his gaze falls upon the hose snaking into Clark’s storm sewer. And so the iconic line is born, “Merry Christmas! Sh*tter was full!”

NEXT: 10 Things You Didn’t Know About The Making Of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

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