Dear Amy: In the family of our nine members, we have two people in extreme situations: one is a tenacious anti-mask and anti-waxer. The other is paranoid in her efforts to be safe.
All family members (except the three in the anti-household) have been vaccinated.
We traditionally have family gatherings in our homes for most vacations.
Anti-vaxxer will usually scoff at any virus protection displayed by anyone when there is a gathering.
The paranoid refuses to come into our house if anti has been there for the previous 24 hours.
Reasoning with one of the two extremes has been fruitless.
My wife and I are currently considering splitting the assemblies so that the two extremes are not in conflict.
This is very sad and means we are diluting the festivities we enjoy so much.
We hope you have some suggestions.
Stuck
Dear Stuck: As lonely as last year’s holiday season was, I have a feeling that many will look back on the strange and isolated winter holiday of 2020 with a certain nostalgia: Eating dinner out of disinfected TV trays and watching “A Christmas Story” by the Zoom family -meal can have some appeal, especially when you compare it to the complication of entertaining extremists.
You have two groups of family members representing pandemic polar opposites, but they have something important in common: None of them seem to apply common sense to this challenge.
You have taken this on yourself as a problem you hope to solve, to give everyone a homely holiday experience.
You have made your own risk assessment and of course do not believe that having unvaccinated people in your home poses a risk to you and yours.
It seems that the family member who does not feel safe inspires you to dilute your celebration.
I think you should host your holiday meal (if you still want to) and let the usual parties know the time and place. Let them decide if they want to participate.
If your more risk-averse relative does not feel safe in your home and is only willing to see vaccinated family members, could she then host her own gathering another day in an atmosphere where she feels safe?
You can let all your family members know in advance that if someone chooses to degrade other family members or engage in rude or antisocial behavior, you can ask them to leave and everyone can try again next year.
Dear Amy: My mom recently died unexpectedly and I have to clean out her apartment.
My problem is that there are so many things that have such strong memories for me. I’m overwhelmed by what I have to do with it all.
I live in a small one bedroom apartment, so honestly, I would stuff things in.
I really do not know what to do. I feel guilty if I just call someone in to sell it all.
The memories that these things bring forth make it really hard.
Can you help?
Overwhelmed
Dear overwhelmed: This sad task would be made much easier for you if you had one person who would do it with you.
It is important that you feel supported; you also deserve to have a compassionate witness to your memories. If you can not find a friend to help, you should call a professional.
People who do this kind of older “cleanup” to make a living often understand the complicated emotions that are brought up. Call your local aging office for a referral.
This task will be easier if you divide it into smaller categories. Start with the kitchen, and have four open boxes: Keep, Donate, Ussure, Trash.
Be sure to photograph things. These photos will help keep your memories fresh for a time in the future when you are ready to revisit them.
If you are paralyzed, you may want to rent a small storage unit to hold things until you are ready. Understand, however, that this can bring up its own set of challenges. If you rent a unit, set regular goals to keep going through and offsetting those assets.
Dear Amy: “Exasperated” shared an experience I’ve been through: the frustration of her husband entering the room and insisting that she immediately stop texting or replying to an email.
In addition to your advice, you asked Exasperated to look at her own behavior.
I did this recently and realized that my phone had completely infiltrated my family time.
Working on unplugging
Dear works: Many of us have to work on pulling the plug.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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