Dear Amy: I have been married to my husband for two years. I knew he was in trouble when I said, “I do.”
But his addiction has put so much extra stress on me. He rages, and at times I dread him.
I’m an “over-the-road” truck driver and he will call me all night. It’s mind control with him.
I’ve been thinking about divorce and even contacted lawyers, but I’m being sucked back into his lies.
When he’s sober, he’s the man I fell in love with.
Right now he is locked up, charged with assault with a deadly weapon (not a gun). I know this is my chance to go. But my heart will not reason with my mind.
How do I give up on someone I care about?
Love sucks in Indiana
Dear Indiana: You do not have to give up someone you care about.
However, you should not be married to, live with or physically in the vicinity of someone who puts your own health and safety at risk.
Take care of him from a distance.
I hope you will put your own well-being at the forefront of your life. Please find a sensible friend, family member, or counselor to talk to. You’re part of his problem, and you have to let go.
Dear Amy: I have a long lasting platonic friendship with “Brian.” He was recently diagnosed with a very serious illness.
I have always and often treated Brian with restaurant meals and entertainment. I have more than he and I am sincerely happy to do this.
But lately he has been asking me to take him and also his future visiting friend / cousin / grandmother etc for dinner. I have no interest in taking people I do not know to dinner.
I have paid a lot of money for all sorts of sometimes large expenses for him over the years.
The last time I paid for dinner, Brian sounded angry. He taunted and said we were “just a few gossipers.”
It’s true that I’m talking about what’s going on with me and mine. He also tells everything in great detail. To be honest, we’re both pretty boring – and so are our family and friends.
We all make mistakes. We are all humans. I have many regrets and I have always spoken honestly about them.
I celebrate the good news I hear from him and I get upset when I hear about tougher events about his friends and family. And then I forget it.
We all live our lives and do the best we can.
I’m tired of being asked to pay for all sorts of things. Is it rude now that my friend has a serious illness?
If I choose to pay for dinner again, which dinner conversation is so appropriate? I guess if we are not allowed to compassionately discuss our friends and families, then we are left to discuss the news. I find the news quite depressing.
Am I just a “gossip?”
Upset
Dear upset: Your friend is seriously ill. This is bound to make a person reflective and at times angry.
When he noticed that, “We’re both just a few gossipers,” he was referring to himself, as well as you.
I see this as a fairly common observation to make when one realizes that the bulk of the conversation is usually about other people.
You should talk about it! Say: “I always thought our conversations were pretty benign. I never judge anyone you’ve told me about, and I honestly think we’re all pretty boring. But does it really bother you, or did you just blow the steam off? ? ”
You have obviously kept an eye out and have reached the end of your binding regarding the collection of the check. If you do not want to spoil others with making dinner, be honest and say so.
But yes, I would say that pulling the plug completely out of this friendship now that your friend is sick is less than compassionate.
You say, “We just live our lives and do the best we can.”
Ask yourself, “Am I doing the best I can?”
Dear Amy: As a parent of transgender and non-binary young adults, I have become very aware of how often (and unnecessarily) we use gendered language.
The adorable word “nivning” gets us pretty well past the awkward “nieces and nephews” and I will start using it for the 17 (soon to be 18) people in my family!
Soprano spinner
Dear soprano spinners: I like it too.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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