WASHINGTON – When experts noticed a massive amount of pressure that had slowly built up in the system for years, experts warned Tuesday that the country’s aging sewer infrastructure could only be a big trip away from total collapse. “At this point, it would only require one person to eat too much of something they should not, sit on the toilet in the wrong place at the wrong time and take a massive dump,” said EPA Administrator Michael S. Regan, adding , that decades of coercion and complete neglect meant that the country’s 800,000 miles of public sewers could barely cope with normal-sized feces as it was. “Unfortunately, that’s not a question of if, it’s a matter of when that monster shit raises its ugly head, is at the wrong end of a stamp, and destroys the sewers of our country forever. Even a toilet filled with small showers, if there are enough of them, can tilt the scale and cause our septic lines to break out in ways most Americans could never have imagined. God help us all. “At press time, Regan asked the Americans to please do their best to keep their feces for the next 30 years while the sewer system was repaired.
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