Halo: Infinite's multiplayer needs an 'over 35' mode because I'm old and stink | MCU Times

Halo: Infinite’s multiplayer needs an ‘over 35’ mode because I’m old and stink

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I’m too old for that shit.

Xbox

Every middle-aged person who practices sports understands the psychological pain.

Your brain knows what to do next. The race you have to do, the space you have to cover. As in a waking nightmare, you see it all unfold as you predicted. But they are. The once faithful legs that effortlessly drove you into that space helped you chase the attacker down, they let you down. You move at half speed while the action runs fast forward.

You’ve got old.

Now, for me, the same heck happens in video games.

On Monday, the 20th anniversary of the release of the first game, Halo: Infinite launched its free-to-play multiplayer and there was great joy. After years in the desert, play another violin to play as Fortnite and Apex Legends – games dominated by teens and their agile brains – Big Papa Bear Halo is back.

I had been waiting a long time for this moment. As a 40-year-old man who plays video games regularly, I was driven away from first-person shooters – a genre that increasingly felt like a crooked pinball machine stacked with loot boxes and still-rotating level-up counters. Online games like Fortnite felt more like hyperactive Skinner boxes, designed to keep players spending money at all costs, than a test of teamwork and skills.

glory

It’s great to see Halo be relevant again. But I suck. A lot.

Xbox

But Halo was my thing. I played heaps of Halo, especially in Halo 2 to the Halo 3 era. That was the online shooter I was a little good at? I spent hundreds (maybe even thousands) of hours playing at a decent level. I understood the strategies and the balance of weapons implicitly. Unlike Apex Legends or PUBG or Overwatch, I knew how Halo worked on a basic level.

So I jumped on Halo Infinite on day one and expected to be … maybe not dominant, but at least competitive. On day one, everyone learns a new game and adapts to new mechanics, weapons, and metas. People with a basic grounding in Halo should have an advantage.

Nix.

Every game – every single games – I was about to be torn down. Either Halo has changed dramatically, or I’ve gotten a lot worse. Almost certainly it is the latter.

I could feel it right away. Like a football player who had lost both his legs and his first touch, I could not even aim properly. I was not quite sure where I was going to be in the room and I certainly could not respond to threats quickly enough. One of Halo’s strengths as a video game is that it allows players to outsmart each other. Unlike, for example, Call of Duty, you are not automatically dead if someone discovers you first – you have a chance to outmaneuver and outfox opponents if you are smart and have a good goal.

Unfortunately, I am not smart and I no longer have a good goal.

I’m getting old.

Which has made me think. As a 40-year-old, in my sporting life, no one expects me to compete with Kylian Mbappé-like 20-year-old rattling it up and down the wing at top speed. It is understood that I no longer belong to people in their absolute physical best age.

No, I play in over-35 or in “masters”, competitions where I am surrounded by people whose best years are clearly behind them. Is there any good reason why we can not do the same with video games? Is there any good reason why online games like Halo can not provide playlists exclusively for aging vessels like the one I currently have?

Think about it. The time is 21.00. It has been a long day. You’ve put a 10-hour shift to work and your brain is out of breath. Your disgusting toddlers are bathed, cleansed of feces and vomit, and finally asleep. You have 60 precious minutes of free time before you have to drag your broken body back to bed and do it all over again.

glory

Please give me a playlist for old people.

Xbox

Do you really want to spend those minutes getting humiliated by teens set up on Mountain Dew? No, you want to play at a comfortable middle-aged pace and have fun.

Of course you could create customs. But everyone over the age of 35 knows how difficult it is to gather a group of like-minded friends for a quick game. We all scrub vomit and feces on different timelines.

And of course, the logistics of actually enforcing an age barrier could be difficult. I actually do not know how to effectively make it happen, but I know I want it to happen. And if a game developer somehow did make it happen, I would be eternally grateful.

Because I’m old. I’m bad at video games. My best age is disappearing in hindsight, but I still want to enjoy the things I once enjoyed doing. Help me!

Give me my over 35 Halo playlist, for hell!

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