Dear Amy: My best friend, “Maria”, and I are both 14 years old. Recently, she revealed to me that one of my tendencies annoys her.
She and I have very similar interests, which is why we try similar things at school.
Maria has been training all year to try her hand at the hockey team. I also plan on trying out the team with no experience, really just because it looks fun.
Each time the topic samples came up, Maria gave other friends a look and looked back at me. It obviously bothers her.
After a few weeks of dealing with this, I asked her about it and she explained that she found it annoying that everything she does I do and I usually get to the top.
She mentioned volleyball trials where I got on the team, and she did not. Then she moved on to the topic of boys, where a guy she liked started talking to me and never talked to her again. Also student election, which we both plan to run for next year.
She further explained that although none of it is technically my fault in any way, it annoys her when I talk about them. Now I do not know what I can talk to her about.
Breaking the friendship is not an option, so how do I do it?
Lonely at the top
Dear Lonely: It is challenging to be overcome by your best friend and you can definitely see why Maria finds your excellence annoying.
Does that mean you have to stop excelling or change your own plans? None!
Girls sometimes have a way of diminishing or apologizing for their own strengths and successes to protect their friends’ egos. I hope you do not want to do that.
On the other hand, if you are annoying about your supremacy, find another way to express your enthusiasm while understanding that some things that come easily to you are not easy for others.
Maria was honest with you, and you seem to have reacted defensively: “If I can not talk about competing with you, then what are we going to talk about?” It’s a cop, and I’ll bet you’re more creative than that.
You can be supportive in the name of friendship while still trying your hardest to win. Cheers for her doing her best, just like you want to do your best.
And yes, it can certainly be lonely at the top, but honestly, if you learn and accept this at the age of 14, you will also be a winner in that regard.
Dear Amy: I’m in conflict. I am a single mom and relatively I have had a lot of mishaps.
I have finally found my dream man. To top it off, he is also amazing with my son.
Unfortunately, there is a big problem. He is being offered a job in China (where he is originally from) and I would not be able to move abroad with him.
Before he met me, his plan was to accept this job when the position became vacant, but now he is in conflict.
Should I interrupt our relationship until he makes that decision on his own?
I will not feel that I am keeping him from something he ultimately wanted since he was not happy in the United States before he met me.
Conflicts over China
Dear conflict: I do not think it would be helpful for you to proactively break off the relationship. In fact, it may seem like a manipulation even if you do not mean it that way.
The answer is to love him through this. Assure him that you will support his choice to move back to China if he decides it’s best for him.
Do your best to accept his own wavering without jumping in with answers.
This kind of selflessness on your part is how you want to express your love and respect for him.
Dear Amy: To promote your ongoing discussion about the use of gender-neutral pronouns – in Finnish there is no gender-specific pronoun. They simply use “he” for every human being!
My great-grandmother, who was born in Finland, never got a handle on “she” versus “he”, and now I know why!
Maybe Americans could adopt “he” to be truly gender neutral.
He man
Dear Han: According to a recent story in the Washington Post, countries around the world are struggling with ways to adopt a gender-neutral language. As I read a bit about the Finnish language, culture and landscape, it made me want to book my ticket.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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