I have a friend who is transman. Recently, he just got out of a shitty relationship. His ex suddenly lost interest in him and would not work with him to fix it. He is crushed. He told me that women often reject him when they find out he is trans and he is tired of endless rejections. We met in the university town where he still lives, but our entire circle of friends (including me) has moved away. Even without the trans part, being a 30-year-old single in a liberal college town is not easy. He is convinced that he is doomed to be alone. I do not want to be dismissive in terms of his experience as a transgender person (I am a cis woman), but I keep trying to go on the fine line of encouraging my friend to reach out, meet people through community events, volunteer work, etc. He also mentioned to me that people our age (thirties) are more transphobic than younger people, but he does not want to be the kind of 30-something perv that dates people in their twenties. My heart hurts for my friend. Do you have any advice for him about making more friends and / or finding a new romantic partner?
– Really in extreme need
The only thing worse than being dumped by someone who refuses to “work with you to fix it” is being dumped by someone who has already decided to dump you – which means the relationship was already dead – but then wasted months or years of your life pretending to work on it. So if your friend’s ex knew it was over, FRIED, they were doing your friend a favor by refusing to go through the motions of “working on it.”
That, of course, would be a cold consolation to your friend, so do not pass it on to him. But keep giving him the advice you have given him that is both standard and excellent. Get out of the house, do shit, go places, meet people – it’s the same advice I would have given him, and it’s the same advice that every other columnist on the planet would have given him. And almost without a doubt, it’s the same advice your friend would have given or already given to his own friend after a breakup. That your friend has not taken your advice yet – that he is still tumbling in his grief – does not mean that your advice was bad, FRIED, only that he is not ready to take it.
As for dating while trans …
I have visited a lot of liberal university towns and they tend to be more welcoming and accepting places for transgender people than e.g. your average fishing village in Alaska. And most women – cis or trans – will not fuck or date your friend. (And he’s open to dating trans women, right?) I’m gay, and most men – cis or trans – do not want to sleep with me. Now, men who find me attractive do not reject me when they first realize that I am gay, but to be rejected by a woman who originally found him attractive after he revealed that he is trans? That rejection is going to burn more. But your friend can avoid that kind of rejection by revealing right away. My friends with HIV who do not want to deal with the drama of having to expose and be rejected for it, posted it right away. When your friend eventually has to get out to the women he’s dating, it tells women who may have a problem with it to keep moving if he puts the fact that he’s trans on his dating profiles – reveals it right away. In other words, FRIED, your friend has the power to reverse the rejection script by essentially saying, “I’m trans, and if you’re not open to dating a trans man, show yourself. Instead of waiting to be rejected by cis women who will not date trans men, he will reject these women first.
If grown adults in their twenties want to date him, your friend should date them. Refusing to date someone because of something they can not control or change by themselves – their age – seems discriminatory (ageistic!), Condescending (people in their twenties are adults!), And in your friend’s case hypocritical ( he does not) enjoy being rejected over something he cannot control or change). But my feeling is that your friend is just coming up with excuses. Give him a little more time to roll over, FRIED, keep encouraging him to make it obvious (get out, go places, shit, meet people), and in a few months your friend will introduce you to his new partner – and it’s probably going to be someone in his twenties he met at a community event who later saw his profile on Tinder and swiped right at his overtly trans ass.
You recently sent a letter from a woman dating an “age appropriate” man. Can you please define that sentence for me? I’m a 65 year old heterosexual white guy. Twice married, twice divorced. I was once told that a guy could split his age in half and then add the number 13 to that number to get the minimum age for a potential partner. I do not know where those numbers came from, but using that formula I arrive at a minimum age of 45. I am open to dating women my age or older than me. But so far, my contacts with older women have not led anywhere. I guess the bottom line is that these days I find myself attracted to younger women. That’s all it takes. So I hope to get some guidance from you on this topic.
– Aging gentleman asks sincerely
Oh, wow – one of those rare older men for younger women. Do not see your kind every day.
Fuck, get married or keep an adult who agrees who wants you. Be realistic about your prospects (twice divorced and getting up there), AGE, and make a conscientious effort to check for pickpocketing, ie. the kind of wishful thinking that men of all ages engage in when their dicks are hard. Do not be coercive either. Hetero guys need to keep in mind that women are taught to prioritize men’s needs over their own (this is the way women are socialized) and to fear men’s violence (this is the way women are terrorized). Therefore, many women find it difficult and / or scary to say “no” to a man. So when a woman gives you an ambiguous answer (“I am very flattered”) or gently declines (“I am very busy”), take it as a “no”.
I am a 30 year old heterosexual woman and I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for a year. I love him and the sex is overwhelming when it happens – which is about twice a week when I do not notice it. We can only have sex when he starts, but there is more. I’m on birth control pills and I often notice a little from the second week to the moment my period comes, a side effect that I’m okay with. But if there is blood present, nothing can happen as he is disgusted by it. He does not want anal sex because he is disgusted by stool. He will not play with me and a toy when there is blood present, not even a drop, and he will not go down on me at all as he does not like it. He also does not want me to touch myself when I walk down on him as he thinks it is distracting. Opening the relationship is not an option for him. It seems to me that anything that is not about his penis penetrating into something and coming out completely clean is an interruption for him. While I feel hurt, I also wonder if I am violent by asking him to do things that he does not like to do. When I bring up the subject, he insists that this is my problem, not his. Is there a way forward?
Frustrated by intimate life under restrictive injunctions
PS Is he a product of patriarchy or am I insane?
There is no way forward, ERROR, there is only one way out: DTMFA.
If you would like to present your future ex-boyfriend with a nice farewell gift, FAILURE, I suggest you get him a toaster and a Fleshlight. Tape them together, let them lie on your side of the bed, take your shit and go. Because it’s a hot, silent hole that your girlfriend wants for a partner, ERROR, not a woman with a fully functioning range of female reproductive organs, not to mention a woman with her own needs, wants or desires. I strongly suspect that your ex-boyfriend will not miss you or your vagina that bleeds, or your ass that fucks or your mouth that opens and asks for perfectly reasonable things, WRONG, and I am convinced that even if you miss him in the beginning, you will not miss him for long. For within a week you will realize that it is better to be alone than to be with a selfish piece of tyrannical shit.
Yes Yes: You love him. You would pretty much have to love him – or you would have to convince yourself that you loved him – to put up with his shit for a week, much less a year. But the longer you stay in this relationship, ERROR, the greater your frustration and anger will grow, and there will inevitably come a day when you are no longer in love with him and what is left of your self-esteem, confidence, and sense. of sexual act will have been destroyed. Do not wait until the love is gone and the damage is permanent to leave this asshole. Leave him now.
PS I do not know if the patriarchy made your boyfriend the asshole he is, WRONG, but it is certainly the patriarchy that makes you doubt your own reason.
PPS Do not “work on fixing it” before dumping this asshole – and you’re not obligated to give him a farewell gift, either nice or otherwise. Get yourself a powerful vibrator instead.
email@example.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage. Column, podcast, books and more at savage.love!
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