DORAVILLE, GA — International bedding giant Serta acknowledged its guilt in a recent series of failed euthanasia attempts, expressing remorse Wednesday and issuing a recall for 200,000 of the company’s merciful pillows. “We would like to apologize to customers who were unable to save a loved one out of their misery due to defects in the craftsmanship of our product, and we would like to give a full refund or exchange to anyone who has purchased a Serta SmotherPlus Mercy Killing pillow between March and April this year, ”said Serta Simmons Bedding CEO David Swift, who responded to widespread complaints that the stitching on the pillow was flimsy and prone to tearing when a bedridden person thrashed and kicked and that the down filling was insufficiently thick to create an airtight seal over their mouth. “Although it turned out that SmotherPlus was fully capable of quenching the screams of our test subjects, a series of factory-made pillows produced in batch number PK2412 made it an ineffective tool to end the life of a person afflicted with a painful, incurable disease. We sincerely apologize for the incident and promise to ensure that our life-ending pillows are up to Serta quality assurance standards in the future. “Swift added that the recall in no way affected Serta’s suicide linen, a collection of bedding optimized to create a temporary loop.
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